Albyn Hospital

September 16, 2011
pictures, words
1 Comment

Last night, while walking past the BMI Albyn Hospital in Aberdeen, I spotted this worrying note on a car windscreen.

I’m not sure if the note is an official communiqué from BMI Healthcare, “the UK’s Number 1 private hospital group”, but it does raise some interesting questions. Mainly, what are Medical Gases? I found the answer on Wikipedia:

Oxygen: Oxygen may be used for patients requiring supplemental oxygen via a mask.

Nitrous Oxide: Nitrous Oxide is supplied to various surgical suites for its anaesthetic functions during pre-operative procedures.

Nitrogen: Nitrogen is typically used to power surgical equipment during various procedures.

Carbon Dioxide: Typically used to inflate or suspend tissues during surgery.

Medical Gas Test Mixtures: Often used for patient diagnostics such as lung function testing or blood gas analysis.

Medical Gases sound quite important, don’t they?

After I read the note I had a look at the ‘illegally parked’ car. The note implies that the car was blocking access to the hospital car park but as far as I could tell it wasn’t blocking anything. While I was investigating, a nurse drove out of the car park without a problem, as if to prove my point.  I understand that delivery trucks are probably slightly larger than the average nurse’s car, but even if the delivery driver had found it impossible to access the hospital car park couldn’t they have just parked further away and wheeled the gas in? I was surprised that a professional Medical Gas courier would have decided to give up on a delivery – especially when the running of a hospital depended on it.

So how is Aberdeen’s Albyn Hospital going to cope without a Medical Gas supply? Will they be forced to perform operations without anaesthetic or fully functioning surgical equipment? Will patients who require supplemental oxygen be left gasping? Will lung function and blood go un-analysed?

I’ve written to the hospital to find out, but in the meantime I’ve cancelled my vasectomy.

[Bonus points if you noticed that 'receive' is misspelled.]

BBC Complaint

September 8, 2011
words
1 Comment

Dear Mr Dryburgh,

Thanks for contacting us about ‘Saturday Kitchen Live’ on 03 September. I understand you believe one of the chefs incorrectly identified a female lobster as male.

The term ‘bad boy’ has become a common slag* term used to describe a thing that’s impressive. This is what was meant. The chef wasn’t referring to the sex of the lobster.

However, I appreciate your concerns and I’d like to assure you that I’ve registered your complaint in our audience logs. The audience logs are seen as important documents that can help shape decisions about future programming and content.

Regards,
BBC Complaints

[*I believe the BBC meant to write 'slang' here. Instead, they have used the word 'slag', which is offensive and has caused me to write another complaint. Thanks to Natassia for pointing this out.]

Best Friend Competition

September 2, 2011
words

The next few weeks are going to be a bit odd for me. Bad odd. My parents are moving permanently to Australia on the 7th, which is very exciting, but I don’t have any visits planned to see them and I haven’t given much thought about what life is going be like without them living just a short drive away. I’ve known for a long time that they’d be moving, but September always seemed so far away, far enough not to worry about. Well here I am, worrying.

Also, my girlfriend has just started a new job and of course I’m very happy for her, but to impress her new boss she’s been spending most evenings studying which has left me on my own.

To be honest, I’m a bit lonely.  Lonely enough that I’ve booked myself onto a free Time Management Course just to give me something to do.  The first thing I thought when I signed up to the course was ‘If I arrive late to this I can make a brilliant joke’ which probably shows that I’m not really mature enough to attend a Time Management Course.  Recently I’ve found myself daydreaming about the course – perhaps if I arrive late and crack a good enough joke then one of the other attendees will become my friend.  A friend, yes.  I’d like to have a friend.  Someone to chat to, to laugh with, to confide in – what I really need is a friend, a best friend.

So I thought I’d run a competition to find myself a best friend and I’m inviting you to enter. Obviously we’re not going to be BFFs (Best Friends Forever), I’m not trying to trap you. Our best-friendship will last one week, from Monday 12th September to Sunday 18th September. Hopefully this will be a rewarding experience for both of us, though I can’t make any promises. As your best friend I will call you every day and send you two proper letters during our week.  If you live near enough, we can even try to meet. Don’t worry if you’re far away though, that’s okay. So, wow! There are only four rules for the Best Friend Competition.

  • You must live in the UK.  Are you crazy? I cannot phone abroad every day.
  • You must be 20 or over.  I am a 23 year old man, I cannot be ‘besties’ with a teenager.
  • You must not have met me.  That would be cheating.
  • You must not try to kill me.  Please.

So if you’re interested in becoming my best friend for a week, just apply below telling me why.  I’ll pick the winner half-randomly, half-based on how friendly you come across. Entries must be submitted by noon on Saturday 10th September.

Oh, hello. I am on the left. I normally have eyes.

Good luck!

[The competition has now closed.]

Ironing

August 28, 2011
words
1 Comment

On Sunday 28th November 2010, over the course of an hour, I livetweeted ‘doing the ironing’.  At the time I imagined it to be an informal guide to ironing for the casual onlooker, but looking back I realise that I had perhaps gone very slightly mad. These are those tweets.  

The board is assembled. The iron is heating up. I will be ironing three shirts and one pair of suit trousers.

Shirt one. Purple, navy and white stripes.

Iron the collar first.

Now put the point of the board into the right shirt shoulder and iron the top right chest.

Perfect.

Now, remove the point of the board from shoulder. Lay the front right of shirt flat on board. Iron.

I am a man so I am ironing between buttons. I believe that blouse buttons are on the left side. This may be wrong. Women, please verify.  [Women did verify this.]

Regardless of buttonage, the front right of my shirt is now ironed. Rotate shirt around the board so you can see the back right.

The back of a shirt is a dangerous beast.

Looks simple, but you will need to iron the back of a shirt in two stages. Also, watch out for tailored folds [darts]. They must be preserved.

Okay, back’s done. Final rotation of the shirt, ready to iron the front left.

I am ironing buttonholes. Women, I cannot imagine how you’d be able to iron buttons from this angle.

I should point out that I am right handed. The point of the ironing board is to my left.

That was easy (no buttons). Now repeat the ‘point of ironing board in shoulder’ stage for the left shoulder. Iron top left chest.

Now to iron shirt arms. Do what you want with the arms, they’ll be creased in minutes when you put the shirt on. I hardly bother.

Ironing the arms of a work shirt is a ‘Freestyle’ event.

First shirt ironed. Hang that baby up!

First plea to stop tweeting about ironing. Will I stop? Yes, probably.  [I didn't.]

Shirt two. Navy and white stripes with a club collar.

An ironing aside. Someone has asked “How do you iron briefs?” Well, I don’t, but someone out there must. Answer them.

As a rule, the lighter in colour the shirt, the more thoroughly you’ll need to iron. Dark shirts hide a multitude of sins.

Although white shirts are a good disguise for stray toothpaste splashes.

Come on, really push that iron down on the white collar!

BURN.

I ironed that collar a bit too much. It became white hot. Touched it. Burn to the left thumb.

Ironing between the buttons of a shirt is heavenly.

It’s almost like irons were shaped for that purpose.

Pearlescent buttons on this shirt. Just noticed. Bit odd.

Don’t ever worry about ironing the armpits of your shirt.

If your shirt has a spare button on an inside label then BE CAREFUL or it will snag on the iron. Usually on stage 2 of ironing shirt back.

Then you run the risk of ironing accidental creases in to the shirt.

Tomorrow, look at the ‘back left’ of every person you see wearing a shirt. I guarantee some snagged creases.

I should point out that I am taking full advantage of the iron’s steam function.

Here we are again. Ironing the arms of a shirt. “Beware of leaving train tracks” you’ll have been warned.

‘Train tracks’ are parallel creases caused by having arranged the arms of the shirt differently on different ironing occasions.

If you’re leaving train tracks then you shouldn’t be trusted with an iron.

Come on, they’re just arms, iron them!

Fuck the cuffs!

Sorry about that, I don’t normally swear.

Shirt two done.

You know the drill – Hang that baby up!

Shirt three now. Grey and white stripes. Slim fit, so less material to deal with.

When it comes to ironing, less material doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

This shirt has the colouring of a ghost so my ironing has to be faultless. I might even make an effort on the sleeves.

SLEEVES! I’ve been calling them arms for the last 40 minutes. Apologies.

The thing is, if I were offered the chance to metaphorically iron my life, removing all ‘creases’, I’d still leave it to the last minute on a Sunday night.

Slim fit. When I wear a standard fit shirt I feel like a tree branch with a plastic bag snagged on me.

Okay, three shirts ironed. Good job.

Hang that baby up!

Suit trousers. Dark grey.

Take your time ironing trousers. You run a serious risk of causing the aforementioned ‘train tracks’.

About four years ago I tried to iron a pair of polyester work trousers with the iron on full heat setting (linen). They melted.

I digress.

Girlfriend: “You’d have been done with this ironing an hour ago if you hadn’t tweeted.” She’s wrong, but there is some logic behind her scorn.

Okay, line up the trouser creases. You do not want to get this wrong.

I like to line up the seams of the trousers and then try and align the creases from there.

Please note: these are just guidelines, I am not a professional.

Once you’ve lined up your trouser creases, just GO FOR IT. Iron those trousers! Come on! Be confident!

Measure twice cut once.

Don’t be afraid to use steam while ironing trousers. You’re going to need it.

This is tricky, you’re going to need to iron up to the bum of your trousers, but DO NOT iron a bum crease. That would be insane.

Basically, iron up the bum cheeks of your trousers but don’t go anywhere near the edges.

The trousers are ironed!

The ironing is over. I’ve just finished my suit trousers. So one last time, what should I do…?

I have to… HANG THOSE BABIES UP!

Unplug the iron and leave it in a safe place. It is still very hot. Hopefully your children are in bed but if not, warn them.

Now fold up the ironing board and forget about the past. Tomorrow is Monday, a new week and maybe even a new life.

Jesus. I forgot to mention the time I cooked a steak on an iron.

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